The Great NERV Pie Fight
by Author0fntent
Summary: The cooking staff at NERV's cafeteria had good intentions. Everything else just went deliciously screwy.


*Disclaimer: I own nothing of Gainax or Warner Brothers. I wouldn't dare...*

For anyone working at NERV, like at any other workplace, the average week could be described as 10% good days and 90% stressful days. Even more so, considering they were tasked with preventing huge otherworldly monsters called Angels from destroying the planet. That, and the fact that, in ways big and small, everyone who worked there wasn't the biggest fan of Gendo Ikari, the emotionally-distant head of the entire organization. As the Angels got more grotesque, more relentless, and possibly more intelligent, the near-constant battles wore down a lot of the staff's morale. One day, the kitchen staff of the Geofront's cafeteria decided it was time to brighten everyone's spirits, if only for a little while. Thus, the plan was simple: a week from now, they'd bake a whole cornucopia of pies, covering almost every flavor possible, and as the centerpiece of this sweet reward, a gigantic cake, decorated with the words "Thank You Greatly" in blue icing. The plan was kept tightly under wraps; only a small notice was put up on the board outside the cafeteria the day before the smorgasbord was unveiled, saying "Coming Tomorrow: A Sweet Surprise". It took them nearly 48 hours to get all the baking out of the way, but to them it was worth the stunned looks on the faces of all the NERV staff who'd walk through their doors, surprised by the way they were being appreciated for their dedication and hard work.

On the day of the unveiling, the kitchen staff waited with anticipation, eyeing the clock as it ticked further towards 4 pm, when the last harmonics test for the EVA pilots would be done. Soon the clock did strike 4, and like clockwork, the first NERV staff to enter the cafeteria consisted of Dr. Ritsuko Akagi; the three main bridge techs Lts. Hyuga, Ibuki, and Aoba; and the other technicians and analysts working under them. As they walked through the threshold to the cafeteria, all eyes turned to marvel in astonishment at the bevy of pies (and the enormous cake) that sat before them. The cake itself was located beneath the ledge of the stairs that led into the cafeteria itself. Dr. Akagi and the techs, their mouths still agape at the sight before them, walked down the stairs and took a long look at the carts and tables full of pies. Nearly every (non-savory) variety was present: fruit pies, cream pies, custard, even pecan. The kitchen staff smiled in satisfaction upon seeing the happy faces admiring their work, a few even licking their lips as they grappled with which flavor to go after first. Everything was going according to plan-what could possibly go wrong?

And that's when they heard the shouting.

Asuka was peeved at Shinji-_again_. For somehow overtaking her scores-_again_. No doubt, Major Katsuragi wouldn't be far behind, trying to play referee. The sounds of the Second Child's ranting got closer and closer until she and the Third Child finally were at the door.

"Asuka, seriously, what did I do? I said I was sorry!" Shinji pleaded.

"And that's another thing," Asuka barked, "ENOUGH with your constant apologizing! Can't you just stand up for yourself even once, baka?! What's it gonna take for you to-WAAAHH!"

Oblivious thanks to her tantrum, Asuka didn't see the ledge and fell from it, head-first and arms flailing, into the giant cake. Everyone in the room gasped in shock. Shinji had a horrified look on his face as he dashed down the stairs, while a couple of techs helped Asuka up out of the mess. She was covered nearly head-to-knee in cake and frosting, with one of the icing 'blossoms' having gotten on her nose. Asuka staggered a bit towards a cart full of pies as she regained her bearings before Shinji spoke up.

"A-Asuka? Are you okay?" he asked.

Asuka didn't reply. A frustrated look adorned her face as she picked up a cream pie and flung it into Shinji's face. More shocked gasps erupted from the crowd, some of them aghast at what just happened. Shinji at first didn't move, but then wiped a bit of pie from his eyes. Eyes that now had a look of anger in them. For him, this was the last straw. He walked over to a table next to him and picked up a cream pie of his own, and took aim.

"You wouldn't _DARE_," Asuka hissed.

Shinji didn't speak. He simply threw the pie at Asuka's face. "I. WOULD." he replied, mad as hell but with a slightly smug smile on his face.

[At this point, folks, you might want to start playing this particular diddy: Pie-in-the-Face Polka]

At that moment, Rei walked in, mildly astonished by what she was seeing. Both Asuka and Shinji turned her way. Asuka, not too fond of the First Child as well, grabbed another pie and threw it straight at Rei. Rei's training kicked in as she swiftly ducked out of the way of the projectile pastry. Said pastry instead found a new target who'd just arrived: a weary and slightly-tense Misato. "Uh-oh," muttered Asuka as she slowly backed away. Misato wiped a bit of pie off her eyes as she let out a frustrated huff and stormed down the stairs. "M-Misato...?" Shinji started as he tried to calm his guardian down, "Misato...?" By then, Misato had scooped up a pie and aimed it at Asuka, who'd taken shelter behind one of the carts directly opposite the Major. "Please!" said Ritsuko as she got between the two, trying to get the Major to settle down. Her words came too slowly as Misato threw a pie at Asuka, only for it to hit Ritsuko. A shocked Misato had a hand to her mouth as her eyes went wide, while Asuka quickly popped up from behind the cart and threw another pie at Misato's face, landing a direct hit. A peeved Ritsuko then grabbed a pie of her own and sent it flying at Misato, who quickly ducked. Instead it hit another target: Lt. Maya Ibuki. Lts. Hyuga and Aoba, standing next to her, broke out into laughter; a none-too-amused Maya responded in kind by pushing Makoto face-first into a pie under him. Shigeru kept laughing until Maya pied him as well, just as Makoto got back at Maya. At that moment, Misato's on-again-off-again Ryoji Kaji stepped into the cafeteria; upon seeing him, Misato angrily threw a pie towards him. Kaji, surprised, dodged it, but it still found a target.

"Hey, wait up guys!" said Mari "Illustrious" Makinami, designated Fourth Child and pilot of EVA-Unit 05, "You almost lost me for a minutOOF". The pie got Mari just as she was close to the ledge, causing her to tumble into the cake and further demolishing it. Misato made another attempt at hitting Kaji (descending the stairs after Rei), but this time she had some success, as part of the pie wound up all over his front collar. A second pie, thrown by Asuka aiming for Misato, wound up on part of his head. Soon the other techs and cooks wound up joining in the frenzy, throwing pies all around. Another pie hit Misato, causing her to let out another angry huff as she threw off her jacket and went for another pie. Meanwhile, Rei and Kaji helped Mari up from what remained of the cake.

"Are you all right, Pilot Makinami?" Rei asked, unfazed by the chaos around her.

"Thanks, I'll manage," Mari replied cheerfully as another pie got Kaji right in the face. Mari laughed incessantly at this until she herself got one in the kisser. "Mmm, key lime! My favorite!" she said after tasting some of the pie on her face. "Lemme have it! C'mon, I'm waitin' here!" she demanded as she waved her arms, trying to make herself an easy target. A caught off-guard Misato unintentionally fulfilled her request as she tossed one while wiping another from her own face. Mari was hit, and licked her lips at the new flavor gracing her cheeks. "Chocolate pecan? I never mix my pies! Ahahahahahaha! That's it, I wanna play too!"

Mari giddily darted to another cart and started unloading on everyone she could target. Rei continued to waltz through the fracas, astonishingly untouched by any flying pastry no matter what direction it came from, as she began seeking out Shinji. Looking around at the ruckus for a moment, she shrugged and continued on. "Pilot Ikari...?" she said as she scanned the area for the Third Child.

At the next minute, Kaworu Nagisa-designated Fifth Child and secretly the Angel Tabris-walked into the cafeteria, his trademark smile on his face, and looked around at the spectacle before him. "Hmm, now what's all this commotion about?" he innocently asked, before he was immediately pelted from all directions by all manner of pies. Having a 'when in Rome' feeling, Kaworu, his smile never leaving his face, descended the stairs and joined in the kerfuffle.

Mari leaped onto a table with a pie in her hand. "Cry havoc, and let loose the desserts of war!" she shouted while paraphrasing Shakespeare. Shinji, meanwhile, got in a few more hits before he got pelted in the shoulder and thigh by, respectively, a cherry and a peach pie.

Asuka and Misato, unknowingly, threw pies at the people around them before turning around and hitting each other. Misato paused for a moment and wiped some pie off of Asuka's face, allowing her to recognize her opponent. "YOU," Misato furiously intoned while pointing a finger at her redheaded ward, "YOU started all this, dammit!"

"Misato, I-" Asuka started to say before Misato cut her off.

"No excuses, I don't care, I don't care!" Misato said while taking a bowl of flour from under one of the carts. She then continued as she threw handfuls of flour onto Asuka like snowballs, "You're grounded, grounded, GROUNDED for an entire month! _Capice_?!"

On the other side of the cafeteria, Shinji tossed a few more rounds at the other throwers when Rei managed to step right next to him. He was about to throw another pie when one hit him first, temporarily blinding him. "Pilot Ikari...?" Rei asked, trying to get his attention as he staggered about in a circle. He nearly got Rei with the pie in his hand, but she managed to duck in time. Just then, one of the techs on the opposite side threw another pie towards Shinji and Rei. Rei instinctively ducked at that pie...Only to finally wind up face-first in the one Shinji held. Shinji stopped in his tracks as he wiped some pie off his face, eyes full of surprise at where the pastry in his hand wound up as Rei used one hand to wipe some of it off her eyes. She then licked a bit of it that was on her right cheek. "Hmm-lemon-lavender-meringue. My favorite." she said.

Towards the middle of the cafeteria, Maya and Ritsuko stood on opposite sides of a cart as they each lobbed another pie at their opponents. "Hey, sempai!" Maya called out as she searched for her mentor. She then unknowingly tossed another one into Ritsuko's mug before calling out for her again. "Hey sempai, where are you?!" "Right HERE!" an annoyed Ritsuko yelled as she planted a pie on Maya. Maya wiped some cream off her eyes, took one look at Ritsuko, and then used her finger to spoon off a bit of the stuff on her mentor's face before tasting it. "Mmm," she said, "You taste delicious!" "Don't get any funny ideas, Maya," warned Ritsuko before whispering, "At least until we're alone somewhere." Both women each returned a small wink at that remark.

At that moment, Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki came through the threshold of the cafeteria. When his eyes fell upon the chaos going on down below, he slowly stepped back, turned around, and continued down the hallway while whistling a tune that came into his head. A minute after he left the vicinity, all 'combatants' stopped throwing, panting heavily, nearly-exhausted from the mess they caused. It was at that exact moment that Commander Ikari walked in, stopping before the ledge of the stairs. He surveyed the 'battlefield' before him and all involved, covered in all sorts of fruit, cream, sweet goo, and flaky crust. His expression never changed the entire time as everyone looked his way, surprised by his sudden appearance.

"What in the hell happened here?" Commander Ikari asked in an un-amused tone of voice.

Everyone then looked at each other, their brows furrowed, then back at the very man who somehow made their jobs at NERV all the more stressful just by being the cold, calculating, uncaring bastard that he was. Each of them grabbed one last pie, aimed, and proceeded to pelt Commander Ikari with them. All of them were direct hits, covering the commander head-to-toe and knocking him onto his back. Gendo, for the most part, lay there unfazed. He then took a finger and scooped some of the pumpkin pie on his face and tasted it.

"Needs more cinnamon," was all he said.

**END**

***Author's Note***  
**And here we have my EVA-themed tribute to one of my favorite comedy movies, the 1965 Blake Edwards classic _The Great Race_. For the most part, I did my best to sync up the story with each beat of the movie's famous pie fight. I hope it made you laugh, or at the very least, hungry.**

*Omake/Epilogue 1*

A few hours after the fight ended, Rei sneaked her way through the halls of the HQ all the way to Terminal Dogma, until she came to the chamber where the colossal white form of Lilith lay nailed to the large iron cross she was on. She held a pie, pre-sliced, in her hands, and set it down, along with a plate, a fork and a napkin, in front of the Second Angel. "Bon appétit," said Rei as she stepped back. Lilith lifted her head, her eyes taking notice of the offering before her. Rei nodded, indicating that it was only just the two of them in this room. Lilith then floated off the cross, shrinking down and assuming her true form, that of a beautiful woman in white-almost like an older version of Rei. Lilith then sat down cross-legged, placed the napkin on her lap, and put a slice of the pie on the plate. She then picked the plate up and took a bite of the slice. A smile emerged on the Second Angel's face as she savored the taste of the treat Rei had brought down to her.

"Rhubarb-my favorite!" was all Lilith said.

*Omake/Epilogue 2*

The next day at school, the EVA pilots (save for Kaworu, off doing who-knows-what) were eating lunch with their friends on the roof. It took some coaxing, but Shinji and Rei wound up recounting yesterday's 'battle' to them. Hikari, Toji, and Kensuke were all stunned.

"Aw, MAN!" Kensuke groaned, "I missed filming one of the cornerstones of slapstick comedy going on right in NERV HQ?"

"Look at it this way," Toji offered up, "Even if you'd been down there, I doubt anyone would've been willing to do any more takes if something went wrong."

"All I know is," Asuka started, resentment in her voice over the grounding Misato gave her, "after yesterday, I am SO off pie forever."

"Same here," Shinji added. "I'm not even gonna bake one ever again."

At that moment, Hikari took something out of her bento. It was a small yellow treat with white filling wrapped in plastic, with a blue band decorating the outside.

"What is that, Representative Horaki?" Rei asked.

"Oh, this?" Hikari replied, "It's something my father picked up from a recent trip to America. It's called a Moon Pie."

Both Shinji and Asuka immediately fainted at her statement.


End file.
